


Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D

by pepperBubble



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Funny, Regretting Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 13:32:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4350662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepperBubble/pseuds/pepperBubble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With an extremely reluctant Natasha, Agent Hill on the camera and 'wonderful' assistant Clint hanging in the background, the S.H.I.E.L.D Recruitment Introductory Video is born!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this from a headcannon I read of Tumblr (see the end of the work for the link because I have no idea how to link things up here) and whilst I'm not the best writer in the world... I just had to write something down because it was too funny to leave behind. 
> 
> If anybody deserves credit and praise for it (or need a place to nag in the case that I've screwed this up) then it's goddessofidiocy so go to her in the case of the outcome of this thing!!

As part of their training every new SHIELD agent is required to sit down and watch a recruitment introduction video. It was never in the original programme, though at the suggestion of Stark that it made for a comfortable introduction into their new environment, it was Clint who jumped at the opportunity, grabbed a camera and got to work. After seeing how much of a disaster- to put it nicely- the video was, the team decided it would be someone of a  responsible and mature nature- _definitely not_ Clint or Tony- to do the video instead.

With Tony and Clint out of the question, it became a mission of finding somebody who would be willing to spend about an hour or so of their life helping to make a thirty minute video for the expense of the new recruits. Needless to say it quickly became a nearly impossible task;

When Bruce was asked he kindly declined, stating that the last time he had properly stepped foot onto something the property of SHIELD he nearly destroyed the place.

When Steve was asked he too declined as the last time he had to do something involved with speaking to people, he was dressed in tights, had an army of singing women around him, and to top it all off a Hitler to punch over a dozen times... he didn't want to relive those memories again! 

It was decided in a group discussion that with the way in which Thor spoke and acted, there was a high possibility that the new recruits would probably not be able to understand what he was talking about most of the time. Thor himself agreed that even he did not know what all of this technology and weapons meant half the time and was very gracious in the way he made his decision not to take part. 

When asked, Director Fury was quoted as to not having the ‘damn time’ to run a top espionage, law-enforcement, and counter-terrorism agency and make a video for some ‘pipsqueaks’ in the process. He was never questioned on the matter again.

In the end it was decided that the only person who could be trusted to make a decent video was none other than Natasha Romanov. Extremely reluctant to do so, she knew that she was really the only person capable of at least attempting to make a somewhat decent video that could be pitched forward to be used in the future. Thus with the help of Agent Hill behind the camera and her… helpful assistant Clint hanging around in the background, the SHIELD Recruitment Introductory Video was born!

 

**[Introductory music plays in the background as the words SHIELD RECRUITMENT INTRODUCTORY VIDEO is displayed on screen. Cut to Romanov standing at the entrance of the agency]**

“Hello and welcome to SHIELD” she begins “I am Agent Romanov and in this video I shall be giving you a tour of the SHIELD facility, what to expect when joining, and what life is like for recruits  who are already working here… not that I wanted to do this, but it seems I had no choice in the matter” she finishes with a sigh and a strained smile.

_[Cut to Natasha inside the main control room as SHIELD agents work around her and act busy. Clint can be seen sat at a computer pretending to work, shooting occasional glances in the direction of the camera]_

“This here… is where the magic happens- Jesus above me Tony- this is the main control room of SHIELD where agents within the agency work tirelessly each and every day scouring the globe to make sure all is at peace. If there is anything that goes wrong you can guarantee that a highly skilled team is out there prepped and ready to go to control the matter and to make sure that peace is quickly restored”

“Or you know in the case of an alien invasion or something just called The Avengers” Clint shouts from the background and fighting to keep herself composed, Natasha flips him off behind her back.

“Or call The Avengers… that works as well” she adds and takes a deep breath in “But of course you can never really trust them, even if they are on your own team; need I remind everybody of the time Clint here was brainwashed by an Asgardian, led a team into a SHIELD Helicarrier where they almost destroyed the place, and took out two engines which nearly sent us all crashing to our deaths?”

_[Off camera Agent Hill is frantically shaking her head and signalling to Natasha for her to zip it]_

“Of course this isn’t the only place whereby the agency runs. As mentioned earlier there have been times where we haven't remained grounded at all- in fact in the past we have actually taken to the skies in state of the art Helicarriers, though they don’t come in until much later on. This video has only just started" 

 

_[Next scene cuts to Natasha walking through various halls of the base, introducing the different facilities offered for recruits. In a number of these scenes Clint is completely out of shot, the only indication that he is indeed present is a peace sign seen floating in the corner]_

“There are a number of facilities SHIELD has to offer to recruits. Besides working out front, there are state of the art labs on offer for the smartest brains to come together to develop weapons and programmes we can put to our use” she says as the camera is turned into the room where Tony and Bruce are meant to be working. Instead, Tony is seen shocking Bruce in a number of spots on his body. Though he is used to the pain by now, still doesn’t stop him from jumping and groaning each time.

“Recruits are also required to undergo physical checks every couple of months. This is to ensure that they are kept as physically fit as possible and are able to carry out the mission that are requested of them quickly and efficiently with minimal loss of life. The agency provides a number of gyms recruits can use to keep in regular shape or to let out a little bit of steam which- trust me- if you ever find yourself working with people like Tony Stark you’ll need to do every so often”

The camera is then turned into one of the gyms where Sam is stood in the middle, face strained as he tries his best to lift Thor’s hammer. Whilst Thor sits to the side laughing at the sight, Steve is on the other cheering his friend on.

“I can do this!” Sam says through gritted teeth “I. Am. Worthy!” yet no matter how hard he pulls, the hammer is making no effort to move and he finds his feet slipping and tripping all over the floor instead. Natasha can’t believe the sight she is seeing in front of her, realising that the camera is back on her she changes back into a smile and quickly makes her way down the hall.

“These rooms on the right are reserved for languages training. From Russian, to Arabic, and even Finnish, you name the language and we’re sure to teach it. However, new recruits need to know that extra care is needed when learning a language because if you so much as get a word wrong or the intonation is incorrect; you’ve gone from asking a question to unintentionally insulting someone. Let me tell you, I’ve seen agents come back in a pretty bad shape because they’ve gotten just one word wrong and have insulted the mother of a target in one way or another!”

_[The final scene in the facilities tour cuts to Natasha standing in the weapons room. Behind her a number of weapons are being looked upon by specialists and Clint can be seen fully this time holding what appears to be some form of a gun and making shooting noises as he plays with it]_

“All SHIELD agents are required to understand the basics of how to fire a gun, handle a knife and know how to fight. Extra training is then undertaken for the more complicated weapon choices” Natasha begins, rolling her eyes when she hears Clint make ‘pow pow’ noises in the background with one of the weapons. 

“Extra caution should be taken when in training to use these weapons, one wrong move and you could probably end up killing somebody. I remember an agent one time didn’t have a strong enough hold on one of these bad boys, completely missed the target and destroyed half the wall… in fact I think there are still some scorch marks if you look close enough” and whilst Natasha gets to searching for said scorch mark, Hill is heard in the background sighing and muttering to herself.

 

_[Natasha is now seen walking across the top of the Helicarrier. As a result of the nice weather, Clint is behind her lying down on a picnic mat basking in the sunshine]_

“This here is the famed Helicarrier as mentioned earlier. It _is_ a newer version… seeing at the old one nearly got blown out of the sky, but it still works pretty well! Whilst we are on the ground now, these turbines have enough power to get us into the air in seconds! Don’t feel like languages or weapons will suit you? We’re always in need for someone to work the flight crew” Natasha begins before chuckling to herself.

“I can remember this one time there was actually an intern who got himself stuck in one of these turbines for over a month. We didn’t really find him until there was nothing left but his badge and a clump of hair… nasty business I guess, but hey, at least now you know that the side of the Helicarrier is _not_ an ideal place for drinking!”

As she finishes her tale, Clint is seen in the background shaking his head and Hill is again left to sigh and is heard beginning to say something to Natasha before the video cuts to the final scene.

 

_[In this final scene, Natasha is stood on the other side of a screen where Nicholas Fury is currently in a meeting with the SHIELD council. Clint is not in this shot, but once again a peace sign is found floating in the corner of the screen]_

“And what would this agency be without the management of Director Nicholas Fury? Compassionate, patient, good with humour, there is no need for anybody to fear him. He will welcome and listen to anybody with the intent to help them thrive under SHIELD in any way possible” 

As Natasha finishes her speech, Fury is heard shouting that whatever idea was brought up, it was a completely stupid idea and whoever thought of it was probably the stupidest person on the planet. Cue an expletive or two and Natasha makes quick work to get to a quieter destination to finish the video.

"And so, with that we come to the end of this introductory video. I hope that as you have watched this you have been able to learn as much as you possibly could about this wonder agency... I doubt that very much. Remember, this video is only the beginning it takes a real agent to go forward from this video and work harder to become more. I have been Agent Natasha Romanov, thank you for watching" 

**[Clint is stood behind her waving and smiling, mouthing goodbyes as the screen fades and music is heard playing in the background. The video finally ends]**

 

"Beautiful, just beautiful" Tony praises as the video ends, getting up to actually applaud 

"Well of course you would say that!" Natasha screams back "You wrote half of that script and practically forced Hill to get me to say half the rubbish I spewed out" 

"I liked it!" Thor proclaims loudly "Excellent hosting on your part Romanov and, if I say so myself, I quite enjoyed Clint's tactics of getting into the shots as often as he could! Certainly gave off a funny and homely feeling for an agency such as SHIELD in my opinion!" 

Tony and Thor continue talking about the parts from the video they liked the most whilst Steve, Sam, and Bruce replay the video again, having gotten a good giggle out of it the first time. Clint is sat there looking awfully proud of himself whilst Natasha begins to curse in Russian, vowing that this was the last time she ever subjected herself to that kind of humiliation again... 

 

 

(the headcannon I was referring to above can be read [here](http://goddessofidiocy.tumblr.com/post/124149694760/headcanon-that-somewhere-theres-a-shield-recruit))


End file.
